19 March 2006


Today at church, I realized the main fear I have in my life. Most of the time, I don't think about having fears per say. I mean, I live in a relatively stable environment. Sure, I worry about things, but these are not life-threatening, or even quality-of-life-threatening, things.

But today I was struck with an overwhelming feeling of fear. The fear of being alone. My whole life this has kind of been in the back of my head. I am not a naturally pretty girl, or for that matter gregarious, considerate, or kind. In fact, I would fairly accurately describe myself as a loner. If I go to a party, I have to spend several hours afterward alone to recover from the over-exposure to people. (The exception to this is my family, and possibly roommates, at least sometimes, but that's another story.) I can be perfectly content to spend a week at a time simply going about my business, class, work, homework, eat, read, sleep. No interaction with people necessary. Really, I don't have much going for me in terms of finding someone to spend the rest of my life with.

However, everything I have learned and believe about life teaches me that life is about people. The way the gospel works into this is obvious, but pretty much everything else also points to this. In English, what matters is people, how they relate to each other, what they think, feel, care about. Some post-modernist novels seem so meaningless to me because they deny the ability of people to connect. Not so much in science, except that what is the final point of understanding the universe if not to help people. The mere pursuit of knowledge is simply empty and meaningless. Sheesh, it's even in Harry Potter. Why is Voldemort evil? Because he doesn't care about people. He doesn't have friends and doesn't want them. He doesn't love, only controls, manipulates, learns, dominates. Basically, the one thing the world seems to be teaching me right now is that if you can't connect to people, you might as well not exist.

In my heart, I know and feel this. When I argue issues, I try to always be considerate of the welfare of people over anything else. I am sensitive to the plight of other, to the point of ridiculousness (as my mom says, crying at dog food commercials). And yet, in my life, when I should put these principles into practice and connect, I am paralyzed. Completely unable to find anyone, much less a male, available someone, with whom I can connect. I feel so completely isolated, and I know so many steps I could take to try to get out of it. But I am afraid. Simply afraid. And perhaps a little jealous. Jealous of those to whom this comes so easy. Who can talk to people and actually care what they have to say.

Our high council speaker today read us D&C 67:10:

And again, verily I say unto you that it is your privilege, and a apromise I give unto you that have been ordained unto this ministry, that inasmuch as you bstrip yourselves from cjealousies and dfears, and ehumble yourselves before me, for ye are not sufficiently humble, the fveil shall be rent and you shall gsee me and know that I am—not with the carnal neither natural mind, but with the spiritual.
To me, the important part was the connection between ridding oneself of fear and trusting in God. The solution to this problem is to rely on God. To cast away my fears and simply trust that if I fall, if I fail, He will catch me. And He will help me try again. I am determined that I must at least try. I refuse to let my life be wasted without even putting up a fight.

But it will take time to build up the courage to try.

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